Fashion Breakdown

Lord of the Dance?

2008-10-24T21:34:00.000-07:00

Meet the Lady of the Dance

Gucci allows you to kick up your heels in their new velvet floral print dress. You can two step, or kick step, or high step your way to notoriety and be SURE that you will be the center of attention for $3,550

Or you could just play Heidi in your local high school play.

Would you like tea with that?

2008-10-17T09:06:00.000-07:00

Normally I see leather as sexy, possibly risqué. However Adam plus Eve have managed to make a leather sheath dress for a matronly gentlewoman. This dress is never going to move with you, or show your curves at all. All it needs now is a giant feathered hat to be a complete outfit. Perhaps a pirate hat?

Enjoy the dress and it can be yours for $895

Voo Doo your pants away

2008-10-17T08:50:00.000-07:00

I see doilies…doilies where your pants should be. While you’re gluing, and trimming, and bedazzling and knitting and all of the other horrors that you did to this Voo Doo Strappy Tunic by Free People, just embellish yourself up some pants too while you’re at it.

Seriously, the bottom is a lace doily with some mushrooms glued to it, and the back doesn't get any better. PUT ON SOME PANTS!

At only $98 for the top, you should be able to pick up a pair.

Woof Woof

2008-10-16T14:42:00.000-07:00

Now, I grew up on a steady diet of Disney movies, including The Shaggy Dog. But just because I occasionally wanted to be a princess didn't mean that I grew up also wanting to be a Sheep Dog. But there’s room enough here for everyone’s dream, because the impression is even stronger from the back.

And, for $695 couldn't you make it look a bit less mangey?

Dread Jacket by Elizabeth & James

Back away from the upholstery fabric now

2008-10-16T14:37:00.000-07:00

I realize that designers want to branch out, be different…BUT…just because we sit on our behinds does not mean they should be covered in fabric meant only for curtains or really ugly chairs. Those prints are there for a reason – so you can fold back those curtains, or throw a blanket over that chair your great aunt gave you. So unless you’re making really small chairs you may want to avoid these Golden Brocade Pants by Tracy Porter even at the bargain price of $225. Hey, you can get a decent chair at IKEA for that!

New Species - BEWARE

2008-10-14T07:33:00.000-07:00

Apparently, either this Chanel handbag has either just eaten a small furry animal or it IS one. Either way I find it disturbing. It even has young to take care of, and we all know that new mothers are particularly territorial and overprotective. So I'm thinking that I have to be worried about all of my other handbags AND my small pets. I'm wondering if, at $4995, this comes with a box and dustbag or a cage and a lock?

What, too much?

2008-10-14T07:05:00.000-07:00

Mr. Cavalli, I just adore the animal themed jewelry that you've put out this year. But this, THIS? Did you just have a whole bunch of very expensive remnants on the floor of your workroom that you didn't know what to do with? Mink - blue and black, sequins, AND floral? You really ought to give everyone else sunglasses.

I'm stunned at $11,375

Caution: May induce seizures

2008-10-13T09:52:00.000-07:00

Pucci is known for their FABULOUS prints. And, if you're ever lost in a snowstorm, this would be the perfect coat. In the city though, I would be more concerned about causing hordes of young children to suddenly fall into fits on streetcorners and the ensuing legal fees.

If you feel the need to torment someone with a hangover, or just wake up any room you walk through, this Cristallo puffer jacket can surely do just that for $1,935.00.

New & improved for better fabric consumption

2008-10-13T07:44:00.000-07:00

Well, the fabric eating handbag is BACK. And it looks like it's updated for the holidays, so someone out there must like it. STOP encouraging them people!

To me though, it just looks like it ate a golden doily. Wouldn't this be much cuter in a pouch style rather than a bowler? The bowler style just does not say dressy to me, even in gold lace. Currently this says, "Hey, I'm ready to go out to the fanciest Sizzler around" But do you really need to spend $1995.00 on a Prada Piazzo bag to do that?

Break out the drapes honey!

2008-10-08T08:15:00.000-07:00

First, I admit that Philip Lim's Siamese Fish dress isn't exactly the same. But, all I can see when I look at it is drapes. And when I think drape dress, I immediately flashback to The Carol Burnett Show and her brilliant Scarlett O'Hara sketch. Note her fashion forward outfit below.

Sorry Philip Lim. In this case, I think Carol wins. I'm not sure where your dress name, "Siamese Fish" comes into the picture either. I vote for "$525 dress without curtain rod."

Kiss Kiss

2008-10-08T06:57:00.000-07:00

So...we've determined that Les Chiffonier really isn't catering to the office crowd. But unless you're actually posing as part of the oscar stage very few people need to have their butt covered in sequins for all to see. And, unless you're actually living on nicotine & designer water I just don't think that it's going to be very attractive. But you can always rent yourself out as a portable mirror for women who need to reapply their lip gloss.

If you feel the need to start a new business venture, you can for only $815.

Runway vs Drugstore Fashion

2008-10-06T15:24:00.000-07:00

Well, ultra structured is in this season. And this, um...dress from Fendi is certainly that. But I can't help but see a HUGE resemblance to all of those super stretchy shirts that are dumped in a bin at my local pharmacy. You know, those shirts that when you hold them up look like they would only fit baby dolls, yet somehow unnaturally STRETCH to fit women of every proportion.

I've come see these shirts as small polyester abominations that sell for somewhere between $5.00 and $10.00. The Fendi Petal Dress sells for $3,530, yet it looks like you could take two of the shirts and get something quite similar.

Bad Snake BAD

2008-10-02T15:11:00.000-07:00

Unless you're looking to match a particularly hideous bridesmaid dress, this is a HORRIBLE thing to do to snakeskin. Or to anything really. I think I last saw all of these unappealing colors together was on the sidewalk the after I binge drank a ton of different drinks. And that was my bachelorette party - I was drinking anything anyone handed to me. (Don't even bring up the chocolate martini again.) But these Kate Spade Remy Wedges are just an abomination in the name of shoes. Especially at $325.

I love cats, why?

2008-10-01T09:54:00.000-07:00

When they say a design is “animal friendly,” perhaps you should ask more questions because this lovely model is about to get her arms clawed off by the next pack of house cats to pass by. There’s fashion and then there’s remaking yourself into a giant cat toy. Perhaps Petco has a better choices in toys that won’t set you back $165. Or you could just roll in catnip.

Feather T by Pencey

First Date Wear

2008-10-01T09:51:00.000-07:00

Hmm, definite attitude and defense all wrapped up in one little package. Wear these and you’ll say, “come close, but not too close or I shall perforate you.” However, I would be a bit worried that I would stumble and poke holes in myself. But then I don’t usually wear visible weapons like these Koolhaus Ribbed Mary Jane pumps by Ruthie Davis for $645.

Shake your tailfeather

2008-09-30T06:53:00.000-07:00

I don't know that I really have anything to top my title. Other than this skirt by Elizabeth & James is just crazy. From what I remember, feathers actually break and fall apart - even pheasant feathers which are what are on top of a silk miniskirt here. So don't sit down, or bump up against anything - OR run into any hunting dogs.

For $764 I want to be able to sit.

Urgh me fashion, me ready for dino drive in

2008-09-30T06:40:00.000-07:00

Now, those who know me know that I'm not afraid to go over the top. I say bedazzle, shine, and lux it out! However, this is NOT lux. This is Fred Flintstone. Perhaps it's the fact that it's a vest. Perhaps it's the chainmail accents that makes a model look like she has a rump the size of a brontosaurus. Maybe if it were shorter? Actually, I'm not sure ANYTHING would help this piece.

Faux Fur Vest with chain mail detailing by Gryphon for $828

Sweaters for your feet

2008-09-26T08:24:00.000-07:00

Now normally, sweaters for your feet would make me think of slippers, or warm fuzzy socks...things you should wear INDOORS, not this.

The sweater trim at the top is fine, if you wear it underneath your jeans it will be all cozy. And if you wear your boots over your jeans it won't get any wetter than the rest of your clothes. However, WHY the sweater trim at the bottom of the boot - and don't give me any designer dribble about drawing the boot into a cohesive whole. Boots like this are for rainy days. And rainy days mean mud and muck. All of that mud, street oil, and things that I really don't want to think about are going to end up on that sweater bit and it is going to get just disgusting.

These boots are made for walking, but unless you're just walking indoors....

APEPAZZA $294.95

You didn't need that did you?

2008-09-26T06:52:00.000-07:00

Hi, I'm sorry that I wandered outside without any clothes on, I don't know what I was thinking.
Hey, I don't mean to interrupt your meal, but I'll just take your tablecloth and wrap it here...and here and here. Look, I'm all stylish now, not crazy at all. And if anyone asks I'll just say it's a Madeline One Shoulder Dress by Beckerman. I mean, it looks like it could've cost $374. Now it looks nothing like your tablecloth. Yeah, you just go back to eating, you didn't need that anyway.

Oooh Toys!

2008-09-25T09:58:00.000-07:00

Wait, it's actually perfume that gives me an EXCUSE to have toys. Because I am actually a 13 year old stuck in this grown up body.

These little Harajuku Fragrances are of course from Gwen Stefani and her L.A.M.B. line. I think they're adorable and at $45 each it's encouraging the OCD collector in me to catch 'em all.

Smells Like Teen Spirit?

2008-09-25T07:55:00.000-07:00

OK, someone's been digging into the video vaults since this Sunburst Pleated Dress by Opening Ceremonies seems to be a direct draw from Nirvana's Smells Like Teen Spirit video. Perhaps a Red anarchy pin is next for release from them. I managed to get a really bad video capture for comparison.

It's either that, or someone there has a gothic cheerleader fascination and that's almost too horrible to contemplate for $290. If that's really what makes you tick you can get this lovely outfit for only $30.

All of this just makes my brain hurt.

Hey! Who stole my Bicycle?

2008-09-24T06:43:00.000-07:00

I'm still searching for the PERFECT grey handbag. However, this Marc Jacobs Suvi large tote is NOT it. Really Marc? A handbag with accents from The Home Depo? Or did you really just grab a bike messenger's chain and say, "this would be perfect on a handbag!" At least the chain strap is not the only way to hold this bag, but still...I have to say, let those poor cyclist lock up their bicycles. Don't keep all of that chain for yourself. Or lock this one up for yourself for only $1,350.

Tie Me Up, Tie Me Down

2008-09-24T06:35:00.001-07:00

Apparently my local supermarket isn't the only place getting ready for Halloween early. These Frankenstein-like Triple Lace Up Boots from Ann Demeulemeester will not only set you back $1795 but they'll give anyone with OCD fits making sure all of the laces are even. Don't worry, once you have the laces set you can use the zipper to get in and out of the boots making all THREE sets of laces completely irrelevant.

Really, why am I picturing a set of googlely eyes on the toes every time I see these?

Designer OR Do-it-yourself?

2008-09-23T14:20:00.001-07:00

Hmm, you mean in all of that idle time I had at work when I was a receptionist I could have been selling my work for $335 a necklace? We used to make paper clip chains to reach from the second floor to the first in order to haul paperwork back and forth. I guess I should've been making jewelry. Well, according to Maison Martin Margiela theirs IS worth that much. Perhaps it's the little tag, or the fact that it's made of sterling silver. In any case I say make your own.

Matching Paper Clip Chain Earrings $185
Matching Paper Clip Chain Bracelet $195

Lose A Fight?

2008-09-23T10:07:00.001-07:00

Ok, on first look this twist-front dress by BCBGMAXAZRIA isn't bad. BUT the longer I looked at it, the more irritated I got. The waistline is good for almost all figure types. The color and jersey fabric is great for fall. However, in the name of all that is holy, WHY did they make it look like you're getting a giant wedgie right in the front?

I just think that there are more flattering ways to drape fabric than this one for $198.

The Shoe That Came In From The Cold

2008-09-23T09:36:00.001-07:00

Shhhh, don't tell my husband, but I am completely head over heels for these shoes. Hopefully, he's going to like them on me, because there is no getting around the fact that I am GETTING these shoes.
Those metal heels are like something a spy would wear. A completely kick-ass girl spy...well, a completely unsubtle kick-ass girl spy. But who wants to blend in ALL of the time.

These croc-print leather booties with metal spiked heels are available from Donald J Pliner for $395. On the plus side his shoes are usually very comfortable. So I'll keep you posted on that. Let me know if you think I've gone out of my fashion-luvin' mind.

Welcome to School Pictures Day!

2008-09-22T11:08:00.001-07:00

Remember school pictures? And no matter HOW hard you tried, you just ended up looking completely dorky? Or maybe that was just me. But this Juicy Couture Kelly Wool Plaid Blazer can help you get back to your inner dork for fall. Note how it makes your torso into one shapeless lump. And anyone with a chest at all - BEWARE, since that neckline is almost eating your head.

But it can go to school with you for only $448

Memoirs of a Geshia

2008-09-22T10:26:00.001-07:00

Hmm Stella you are indeed creative, but I really don't want to learn how to walk all over again. And these remind me terribly of platformed shoes that Geshias would wear in order to keep their shoes and silks safe from the mud. I'm all for extra height, and USUALLY wedges give me some extra stability, but these Stella McCartney Wooden Wedge Pumps for $1,145 look like they're simply one step away from an ankle x-ray at the emergency room for me.

Hey, dude you stole my prom

2008-09-19T14:43:00.001-07:00

Attention Zac Posen - put down the DVD of Pretty in Pink, or Some Kind of Wonderful or whatever 80's movie it is you're watching and go back to making lovely updated yet vintage looking handbags. Because THIS, this linebacker shouldered prom dress that just needs some big back-combed hair to top it off, NEVER should come back again. It should stay in the back racks of the Goodwill store where it belongs.

But if YOU have to have it - Zac Posen's Reglisse Dress $2,300

Do it yourself handbags

2008-09-19T13:41:00.001-07:00

chloe cyndi
Originally uploaded by mindwanderlust

A big theme this year in handbags is "industrial accents." In this case notice the carabiners attaching the handles to the handbag. And they don't mesh at all with the clasp hardware.
Hmm at this price point I'm really looking for something that doesn't look like it broke and I fixed it in my garage. Add the somewhat unfinished edges and I have an overall dislike for this bag even though the croc print is quite nice.

You'll find this handbag from Chloe in a variety of colors and sizes. This one is $2,200

Light up the dark

2008-09-19T13:14:00.001-07:00

Now I know that purple is a HUGE color for fall, and metallics are also still in style. But that doesn't mean that a combination of the two elements are necessarily a good thing. This poor Stephane Verdino handbag looks like it spent a litte too much time next to the nuclear reactor and is just about ready for Halloween. If it is actually reflective you could take it trick or treating but at $475 I would rather just buy a ton of great candy.
This metallic calfskin also comes in bronze which is slightly easier on the eyes.

Accentuate the positive?

2008-09-19T13:03:00.001-07:00

Well unless you're positive you have NO hips and thighs at all, you probably shouldn't be wearing this wool & leather coat by Rick Owens. I always love to drape my most problematic features with the fabric that stands out from the rest of the garment.

Stella from Project Runway would love this. But then she wouldn't have to buy it for $3,265

Say YES to fat feet!

2008-09-19T12:12:00.001-07:00

And grab yourself a pair of Chloe's Odissea Ankle Boots - or the new Shoe Bootie as I'm not so affectionately calling them. Most of us do NOT want to draw attention to our feet. And we really don't want to make them look BIGGER than they actually are. If we did we could wear clown shoes. Perhaps that's coming for Spring.

But if you want these snatch them up for only $775

Point it out why don't ya

2008-09-19T10:16:00.001-07:00

I freely admit to loving bright colors. And I have always admired Pucci prints even though some of them are liable to give me a seizure if I look at them too long. However, this....a BIG triangle over my lady parts? Who on earth thought this was a good idea? Like no one knows where it is? Apparently we need colorized road maps now. I suggest wearing it with an "I'm with stupid" t-shirt.

Pucci Color Block Skirt $885

Introducing the Fabric Eating Handbag

2008-09-19T10:00:00.001-07:00

Jeeze, and I thought it was bad last season when the Project Runway contestants stuffed all of their leftover fabric into their handbags. The challenge was to use ALL of the fabric they purchased. But this Prada Pizzo S Satchel is ACTIVELY seeking out fabric to chow down on. Perhaps your couch cushion is next.

It can be yours for $1995

I quite like these though,

2008-09-19T09:48:00.001-07:00

These embellished stilletos were paired with the Les Chiffoniers PCV pants shown earlier. Overkill and so sad for these beautiful shoes. But can you tell that I spent my formative years in the '80s?

Shoes by Giuseppe Zanotti $795

First up Les Chiffoniers PVC Leggings

2008-09-19T09:40:00.001-07:00

Hmm, well these are definitely NOT office - friendly. And at $405 I think I would be better off shopping at my local Hot Topic store for a pair of PVC pants that don't have zippers that make it look like my rear is in my front.

Fall Fashion Breakdown for September 19th

2008-09-19T08:52:00.000-07:00

Well, welcome to Friday everyone. And as happy as I am that it is Friday, apparently designers are consipiring to drive us crazy. All I know is I was really looking forward to fall this year...bringing out my tights and sweaters. Apparently though - that is not what designers have in mind for us this year.
Remember everyone, not everything on the runways ought to come home.