Lord of the Dance?

Meet the Lady of the Dance



Gucci allows you to kick up your heels in their new velvet floral print dress. You can two step, or kick step, or high step your way to notoriety and be SURE that you will be the center of attention for $3,550

Or you could just play Heidi in your local high school play.

Would you like tea with that?

Normally I see leather as sexy, possibly risqué. However Adam plus Eve have managed to make a leather sheath dress for a matronly gentlewoman. This dress is never going to move with you, or show your curves at all. All it needs now is a giant feathered hat to be a complete outfit. Perhaps a pirate hat?



Enjoy the dress and it can be yours for $895

Voo Doo your pants away

I see doilies…doilies where your pants should be. While you’re gluing, and trimming, and bedazzling and knitting and all of the other horrors that you did to this Voo Doo Strappy Tunic by Free People, just embellish yourself up some pants too while you’re at it.

Seriously, the bottom is a lace doily with some mushrooms glued to it, and the back doesn't get any better. PUT ON SOME PANTS!




At only $98 for the top, you should be able to pick up a pair.

Woof Woof

Now, I grew up on a steady diet of Disney movies, including The Shaggy Dog. But just because I occasionally wanted to be a princess didn't mean that I grew up also wanting to be a Sheep Dog. But there’s room enough here for everyone’s dream, because the impression is even stronger from the back.



And, for $695 couldn't you make it look a bit less mangey?

Dread Jacket by Elizabeth & James

Back away from the upholstery fabric now

I realize that designers want to branch out, be different…BUT…just because we sit on our behinds does not mean they should be covered in fabric meant only for curtains or really ugly chairs. Those prints are there for a reason – so you can fold back those curtains, or throw a blanket over that chair your great aunt gave you. So unless you’re making really small chairs you may want to avoid these Golden Brocade Pants by Tracy Porter even at the bargain price of $225. Hey, you can get a decent chair at IKEA for that!

New Species - BEWARE

Apparently, either this Chanel handbag has either just eaten a small furry animal or it IS one. Either way I find it disturbing. It even has young to take care of, and we all know that new mothers are particularly territorial and overprotective. So I'm thinking that I have to be worried about all of my other handbags AND my small pets. I'm wondering if, at $4995, this comes with a box and dustbag or a cage and a lock?

What, too much?

Mr. Cavalli, I just adore the animal themed jewelry that you've put out this year. But this, THIS? Did you just have a whole bunch of very expensive remnants on the floor of your workroom that you didn't know what to do with? Mink - blue and black, sequins, AND floral? You really ought to give everyone else sunglasses.

I'm stunned at $11,375

Caution: May induce seizures

Pucci is known for their FABULOUS prints. And, if you're ever lost in a snowstorm, this would be the perfect coat. In the city though, I would be more concerned about causing hordes of young children to suddenly fall into fits on streetcorners and the ensuing legal fees.

If you feel the need to torment someone with a hangover, or just wake up any room you walk through, this Cristallo puffer jacket can surely do just that for $1,935.00.

New & improved for better fabric consumption

Well, the fabric eating handbag is BACK. And it looks like it's updated for the holidays, so someone out there must like it. STOP encouraging them people!

To me though, it just looks like it ate a golden doily. Wouldn't this be much cuter in a pouch style rather than a bowler? The bowler style just does not say dressy to me, even in gold lace. Currently this says, "Hey, I'm ready to go out to the fanciest Sizzler around" But do you really need to spend $1995.00 on a Prada Piazzo bag to do that?

Break out the drapes honey!

First, I admit that Philip Lim's Siamese Fish dress isn't exactly the same. But, all I can see when I look at it is drapes. And when I think drape dress, I immediately flashback to The Carol Burnett Show and her brilliant Scarlett O'Hara sketch. Note her fashion forward outfit below.



Sorry Philip Lim. In this case, I think Carol wins. I'm not sure where your dress name, "Siamese Fish" comes into the picture either. I vote for "$525 dress without curtain rod."

Kiss Kiss

So...we've determined that Les Chiffonier really isn't catering to the office crowd. But unless you're actually posing as part of the oscar stage very few people need to have their butt covered in sequins for all to see. And, unless you're actually living on nicotine & designer water I just don't think that it's going to be very attractive. But you can always rent yourself out as a portable mirror for women who need to reapply their lip gloss.

If you feel the need to start a new business venture, you can for only $815.

Runway vs Drugstore Fashion

Well, ultra structured is in this season. And this, um...dress from Fendi is certainly that. But I can't help but see a HUGE resemblance to all of those super stretchy shirts that are dumped in a bin at my local pharmacy. You know, those shirts that when you hold them up look like they would only fit baby dolls, yet somehow unnaturally STRETCH to fit women of every proportion.



I've come see these shirts as small polyester abominations that sell for somewhere between $5.00 and $10.00. The Fendi Petal Dress sells for $3,530, yet it looks like you could take two of the shirts and get something quite similar.

Bad Snake BAD

Unless you're looking to match a particularly hideous bridesmaid dress, this is a HORRIBLE thing to do to snakeskin. Or to anything really. I think I last saw all of these unappealing colors together was on the sidewalk the after I binge drank a ton of different drinks. And that was my bachelorette party - I was drinking anything anyone handed to me. (Don't even bring up the chocolate martini again.) But these Kate Spade Remy Wedges are just an abomination in the name of shoes. Especially at $325.

I love cats, why?

When they say a design is “animal friendly,” perhaps you should ask more questions because this lovely model is about to get her arms clawed off by the next pack of house cats to pass by. There’s fashion and then there’s remaking yourself into a giant cat toy. Perhaps Petco has a better choices in toys that won’t set you back $165. Or you could just roll in catnip.

Feather T by Pencey

First Date Wear

Hmm, definite attitude and defense all wrapped up in one little package. Wear these and you’ll say, “come close, but not too close or I shall perforate you.” However, I would be a bit worried that I would stumble and poke holes in myself. But then I don’t usually wear visible weapons like these Koolhaus Ribbed Mary Jane pumps by Ruthie Davis for $645.

Shake your tailfeather

I don't know that I really have anything to top my title. Other than this skirt by Elizabeth & James is just crazy. From what I remember, feathers actually break and fall apart - even pheasant feathers which are what are on top of a silk miniskirt here. So don't sit down, or bump up against anything - OR run into any hunting dogs.

For $764 I want to be able to sit.

Urgh me fashion, me ready for dino drive in

Now, those who know me know that I'm not afraid to go over the top. I say bedazzle, shine, and lux it out! However, this is NOT lux. This is Fred Flintstone. Perhaps it's the fact that it's a vest. Perhaps it's the chainmail accents that makes a model look like she has a rump the size of a brontosaurus. Maybe if it were shorter? Actually, I'm not sure ANYTHING would help this piece.

Faux Fur Vest with chain mail detailing by Gryphon for $828

Sweaters for your feet

Now normally, sweaters for your feet would make me think of slippers, or warm fuzzy socks...things you should wear INDOORS, not this.



The sweater trim at the top is fine, if you wear it underneath your jeans it will be all cozy. And if you wear your boots over your jeans it won't get any wetter than the rest of your clothes. However, WHY the sweater trim at the bottom of the boot - and don't give me any designer dribble about drawing the boot into a cohesive whole. Boots like this are for rainy days. And rainy days mean mud and muck. All of that mud, street oil, and things that I really don't want to think about are going to end up on that sweater bit and it is going to get just disgusting.

These boots are made for walking, but unless you're just walking indoors....

APEPAZZA $294.95

You didn't need that did you?

Hi, I'm sorry that I wandered outside without any clothes on, I don't know what I was thinking.
Hey, I don't mean to interrupt your meal, but I'll just take your tablecloth and wrap it here...and here and here. Look, I'm all stylish now, not crazy at all. And if anyone asks I'll just say it's a Madeline One Shoulder Dress by Beckerman. I mean, it looks like it could've cost $374. Now it looks nothing like your tablecloth. Yeah, you just go back to eating, you didn't need that anyway.

Oooh Toys!

Wait, it's actually perfume that gives me an EXCUSE to have toys. Because I am actually a 13 year old stuck in this grown up body.



These little Harajuku Fragrances are of course from Gwen Stefani and her L.A.M.B. line. I think they're adorable and at $45 each it's encouraging the OCD collector in me to catch 'em all.